This Ain't A Fairytale.

as i sit here and listen to the same two taylor swift songs that speak to me the most [white horse and breathe], i ponder something... if home is where the heart is, what happens if there is no love in a home?

for as long as i can remember, i don't think there ever was love in my home. i remember being eight and waking up in the middle of the night and my parents are at each others throats and yelling at each other over everything. i remember pinching myself hoping that it was just a dream, but it wasn't. i remember that the only way that i could get back to sleep was to cry myself to sleep. at first, i thought these fights were only temporary things and that my parents still loved each other. but soon enough, my parents arguments got more frequent and lengthier. and every time they occurred, i would do the same two things, pinch myself and cry. it also became apparent that a divorce was going to happen, and it was going to happen fast. i also remember going to school one morning and i saw my mom walking down the street because my dad had kicked her out. i remember one spring day [it was someday after the taas test, i believe that was the name it was called then] in the third grade, i just left school and stopped going for the rest of the school year. i spent the remaining days and the summer without seeing my parents, not sleeping in my own bed, but in other peoples bed across the nation. i had no idea what was going on, but soon i figured out that my parents were sorting things out for the divorce. that summer will always remain with me as the summer that my childhood had ended and that it was time for me to grow up.

ten years have elapsed, and i thought me succeeding would mean that they would love me more and they would stop arguing with each other because it meant what they were doing was alright. but it turns out i'm not sure. it didn't matter to them that i graduated in the top 10% of my graduating class, i became the band vice president, i played varsity soccer, i was a member of the calculus and science team, and being extra involved in school. in addition to helping them around the house... it obviously wasn't good enough for them. they still argue to this day. the blame each other for everything... but who am i supposed to believe? what am i supposed to do?

i didn't write this to get sympathy from anyone. i wrote this because i've kept inside of me for years and i really need to let out. i hate being in the middle of something that i had nothing to do with... and there seems like there is no solution to this.