I can't breathe without you, but I have to...

As I sit here in my dorm room alone and attempt at my Discrete Math homework, I can't get myself to do it. I just can't, and I have to blame you for it...

I don't even know where to begin to describe how I feel. I don't know if I should be angry or sad. Should I be angry because you chose not to tell me and that I had to find out through a network of friends? Or should I be sad because I feel like I'm partly to blame for this because I didn't spend enough time with you or I didn't see the warning signs and I should have taken some action of some sort. But frankly, I don't know anymore...All I know is that sitting here and crying seems like the only thing that makes sense to me... We were supposed to talk today, but I don't think that's going to happen. Mostly because I don't know if I really want to... I know that at some point we have to talk about it because nothing is going to get fixed if we don't. But at this point in my life, I don't want to talk about it.

Even though you don't want things to change, I believe that they will change. The change may be good or it may be bad. I don't know. I hope you know that I may not be able to see you in the same light. I don't know... Is it worth it? Or has things gone past repair? I just want to find the answers, but I don't want to know the answer if that makes any sense...

What's done is done, and I guess only time will tell what happens...

And My Head Keeps on Spinning

I have never felt this way before. I don't know what's going on... There are moments when I feel great and unstoppable. But the next moment, I have feelings of disappointment, anger, and other feelings that I don't even know how to describe. I don't know if it has to do with me being scared of what the future hold for me or having to do with feeling lost at the present moment. I still have that feeling that I'm doing things because people want me to do, not what I want to do... I don't even know what I'm talking about... I spend a lot of my time being awake, yet I'm not doing anything. My mind is just a jumble right now...

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."--Conan O'Brien

Conan said that a few nights ago. And adore this quote. In a lot of ways, I see myself in this quote. I like to think I work really hard at everything I do, and when I do work hard I enjoy the fact that good things happen out of my working hard. I don't know. It's really hard for to explain. Anyway, I thought that I should post that...

It's time to get started on the huge load of homework that I have for myself...Whoops.

Oh Here We Go Again...

I just finished moving into my new room. I'm still in the same dorm, just a new location. Why I moved? Three Reasons Why: 1) I didn't want to pay the extra like 600 dollars to keep my room to myself, 2)I wasn't a fan of living by myself, 3) If I decided to stay, they were more than likely give me a roommate, and I'm pretty sure that I would be able to deal with her. But now I'm living with Mimi. We rearranged the room and unpacked. It would've been a boring night, but her friends kept us entertained. I believe that this will be a fun experience for me.

On another note, I had a lot of fun today. My classes today were bearable. We had a quiz in Discrete, which I was super nervous about because for the most part, I understand it, but I have yet to memorize all the truth tables and symbols associated with it. It's not exactly all that fun yet... but we will see how things will go. Theatre was the same. He was lecturing, but I don't pay attention. Chemistry was the same. I was in and out of paying attention... whoops! After classes though, I had lunch with my frog camp group! Oh my gosh it was so fun. It was just a small group of people, but it's those simple little things in life that make me realize how blessed I am. After lunch, I headed to the Fort Wort Science Museum with Aury. It was kind of our three year anniversary date. The museum itself as a structure was really nice, but a lot of the exhibits are geared for smaller children. Nonetheless it was quite fun. Afterwards, I took a nap. Woke Up an started moving...

That's basically my day. It was so much fun. I am definitely blessed. I am starting to get behind on school work... oh dang. "Here we go again"

Everything In It's Right Place

It's a lovely 70 degrees outside and I love it. I wish I could be blogging outside, but I'm working...

I've been back in school for a total week, and from the looks of it. I have a pretty good schedule worked out for myself

That's my class schedule. Nifty? I think so. I work on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5 PM to 11 PM, which isn't too bad since I get paid to sit at a desk and work on homework. Wednesdays are going to be a true test of my mental stamina. It's even worse than high school... Despite being back for a week, I have yet to experience my true Wednesdays because my Chemistry Professor has had scheduling conflicts. I am a fan of getting up early and getting things done and over with.

I totally understand that I didn't go far for school, but I love it here. Being here gives me a sense of happiness that is hard to explain. I don't ever find myself angry or upset. I do get stressed, but I know that I everyone gets stressed and nice to have people on the same boat as I am. But it's also nice to go home every so often and completely be a vegetable.

"Everything is in its right place" and I'm happy of where it's at.

Oh on another note: I recently picked up a book called "Happy" by Alex Lemon. He was my English Professor last semester. I bought it last Thursday and I'm half way done with it. It's about his Freshman Year of College how his health has deteriorated and he is sinking more and more into drugs and alcohol. And how his mom helped him come back to life... It's hard for me to explain since I haven't read it all.

There Goes Everything...

I've worked hard for the 18+ years of my life. I hoped that someday you would be proud of me. But because you guys work things out, I will have to suffer the consequences. I will be the one who won't be able to achieve my goals in life. Everything I wanted in life is now down the drain... I've never been this upset in my life. I'm so angry. I just want to escape it all..

This Ain't A Fairytale.

as i sit here and listen to the same two taylor swift songs that speak to me the most [white horse and breathe], i ponder something... if home is where the heart is, what happens if there is no love in a home?

for as long as i can remember, i don't think there ever was love in my home. i remember being eight and waking up in the middle of the night and my parents are at each others throats and yelling at each other over everything. i remember pinching myself hoping that it was just a dream, but it wasn't. i remember that the only way that i could get back to sleep was to cry myself to sleep. at first, i thought these fights were only temporary things and that my parents still loved each other. but soon enough, my parents arguments got more frequent and lengthier. and every time they occurred, i would do the same two things, pinch myself and cry. it also became apparent that a divorce was going to happen, and it was going to happen fast. i also remember going to school one morning and i saw my mom walking down the street because my dad had kicked her out. i remember one spring day [it was someday after the taas test, i believe that was the name it was called then] in the third grade, i just left school and stopped going for the rest of the school year. i spent the remaining days and the summer without seeing my parents, not sleeping in my own bed, but in other peoples bed across the nation. i had no idea what was going on, but soon i figured out that my parents were sorting things out for the divorce. that summer will always remain with me as the summer that my childhood had ended and that it was time for me to grow up.

ten years have elapsed, and i thought me succeeding would mean that they would love me more and they would stop arguing with each other because it meant what they were doing was alright. but it turns out i'm not sure. it didn't matter to them that i graduated in the top 10% of my graduating class, i became the band vice president, i played varsity soccer, i was a member of the calculus and science team, and being extra involved in school. in addition to helping them around the house... it obviously wasn't good enough for them. they still argue to this day. the blame each other for everything... but who am i supposed to believe? what am i supposed to do?

i didn't write this to get sympathy from anyone. i wrote this because i've kept inside of me for years and i really need to let out. i hate being in the middle of something that i had nothing to do with... and there seems like there is no solution to this.

I'm Lucky to be in Love with My Best Friend

As our three year anniversary is rapidly approaching, I thought it would be fitting for me to reflect on the past three years. If I had to chose one word to describe the past three years in one word, I would have to choose is blessed. You have definitely blessed my life in so many ways, and looking back I wouldn't change a single thing. I've known you for what seems like my entire life. I met you in the middle school, and you were a close friend of my brothers. At that point, we were just acquaintances. As time passed, we started building our own friendship. We started spending a lot of time together because of band. I remember in the stands during football games, I would sit a row behind you and cheering you on during stand tunes. We always hung out on your back porch after many band events. We would spend countless hours recapping the events of the week. It was definitely the highlight of my week. I started developing a crush on you, but I knew that you did not reciprocate those feelings for me, but it was okay. As long as you were happy, I would be happy. I remember you even came to me asking me for girl advice. But slowly and surely, the late night talks over AIM lead to us expressing our feelings for each other. And we then decided that we should start dating. And so we did... Our first date was at the park in the middle of January. I remember it being a cold and cloudy day, but it didn't matter because we had each other which made things enjoyable. And the rest is details in the fabric...

Today, I would like to thank you. You have definitely blessed my life. I really don't know where I would be without you. You have been my rock through the roller coaster I call my life.
Everyday when I have a bad day, I simply look at your picture, a stuffed animal you've given me, or just texts/instant messages you have sent me, and my bad day simply vanishes. I smile and feel better about myself. When I have a problem, I know who I can run to for advice and help. You've given me a shoulder to cry on when I need it the most, and you reassure me that things will be okay. You definitely make my frown turn upside down. You have held my hand through all of the new things in life. You taught me so much about myself; given me a life time worth of memories. You will always be in my heart. These three years have flown right past me. Here's to the future because "I'm lucky to be in love with my best friend".

I'm in the War of my Life

It's 2010. It's a new year, a new decade. It's a time where people decide to quit habits, reinvent themselves, or start something new. In some ways, I want to accomplish all of it. I need to stop my habit of nail biting. It's something that I've done for as long as I can remember. And when I think about it, nail biting has always been my security blanket. It's what I do if I start feeling uncomfortable [may it be nervous, anxious, stressed]. But in order to stop nail biting, I believe that I need to channel that energy into another activity, which leads me to starting something new. I will start blogging more often. I've been told that blogging gives people an outlet like journaling, but since I don't like writing blogging seems like a fitting substitute. Another activity, I would like to start back up this year is running. I've always enjoyed running. It gives me the feeling of unstoppable and the only thing that is holding me back is myself. There is no one telling me "you're doing it wrong!" If I can accomplish all three of those, I have a feeling that I will be reinvented. I have a feeling that I won't be as stressed out because of the things going on around me. And if not as stressed, I will end up a happier person. Here's to 2010, may it be a good one: "I'm in the War of my Life"